I hear laughter stuck in their throats, I see joy behind their tears, and I feel peace deep in their hearts.
The fire forms, comforting
See
They may hear you, but I will listen
They may be present, but I will comfort you
They say they will stay, but I will never leave
They say they will sympathize, but I will empathize
The fire cracks, hesitating
Doubts linger
You say you can’t be helped because you are depressed, lonely and broken but
Replace your sadness with happiness
I’m here you're not alone
With me you are whole
The fire increases, nurturing
Now there is hope
Forgiving your mistakes
Relieving your burdens
Diminishing your fears
Mending your spirit
I hear laughter in their voice, I see joy in their eyes, I feel peace in their hearts, I smell fire in their hearth
Hey Kiyo!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm not all into myths and stuff so I honestly am not sure on what your allusion is. But i would think it is Hestia??? Is it? I'm not so sure cause I only that Hestia is a goddess that has something to do with fire--and your poem has fire. :D
I get that feeling that you are warm and comforting at the same time. Your peom really stresses those qualities out, which really does describe you.
Through this poem, I can tell that your allusion says that are a helper to those who need your help.
I like the way you start off with the "fire forms" then the "fire cracks" and then the "fire amplifies"--it gives your poem a really nice structure throughout.
I think you can add some personality specifics in your poem. That way you can just add that finishing touch to finish off your allusion.
SO yeah!
-Traci
:)
Heyo Simba,
ReplyDeleteI love the beginning and end. Its such a loving way to portray the goddess of the hearth and I think you've done a great job showing how Hestia would comfort someone. Or how a person could comfort another person in general.
I really like the "they may" and "but I will" part. It's so... uh, motherly. Loving.
"Doubts hinder" sounds a little off. I understand what you're trying to say, but I think you can use another word than hinder.
Some spelling errors; your = you're.
"The fire amplifies", do you mean its getting louder or bigger? Check the definition on amplifies.
Other than that, great job. It's very nice. :)
-Jordie
Hi Kiyo,
ReplyDeleteNice job on structuring your poem and in building the allusion to Hestia.
I think Jordie has some good points about word choice (and spelling errors ;)
For the "hinder" perhaps something like
"linger"?
And try to work more on the verbs that go with "fire"--forms, cracks, amplifies
I think there are better, more active verbs that match with fire...let me know if you have questions on this...
Overall though, the impression of the warmth and nuturing of a hearth comes through nicely :)
mrs s
I have gone through many revisions of my allusion poem idea and ended up where I started. My initial idea of an allusion compared to myself was Hestia because she was the only who didn't get into trouble and was welcomed by all Gods. Although this was a very good comparison it also brought some problems. Since Hestia didn't get involved in any of the other Gods drama she had no story. For example Hades has a very well known story that involves Persephone and Demeter and this story makes him known as a mean, heartless God. Where as Hestia just existed, I wasn't sure if I could relate to her without using a specific story. Then my ideas changed to a different cultured story like a Japanese fairytale or a Hawaiian legend but this was also unsuccessful because there was no one related to me. Also most Greek Gods and mythology is known but a lot of other cultures are not which means that if I did an allusion with a different countries story no one would understand it. So I went back to Greek mythology and opened up to Gods and minor Gods verses just Goddess. This led me to some interesting stories but nothing anywhere related to me. For example the story would start of nice but end tragically with the God always looking like the bad guy. After doing more research on the internet and books I learned enough about Hestia to write a poem comparing her to me. I choose Hestia and found out commonalities and tried to find an interesting way to explain my character through her. I went through several drafts and different structures for my poem before actually posting my draft. At one time I had one stanza of four different poems that I didn't know how to finish, in the end I combined most of my ideas and added the transitions of what a fire is like to make my poem a little smoother. I figured out that instead of telling a story about Hestia I could give a visual of what she was and what she was most known for which were hearths. I tried to relate my character traits to the fire like how it gives a person warmth on the outside I can give people warmth on the inside by comforting them. I didn't do much revision because most of my comments were targeted at spelling errors and vocabulary so I deleted some words and added different words. I learned that allusion poems don't always have to look like a simile and can tell more of a story and infer about the allusion. I also learned about myself that I am very much like a hearth in the sense that I help people with their problems and comfort them and help them to feel happy again.
ReplyDelete